Digital Dater

How to get out of a (dating) rut? Get out!

Take A Hike , Literally!
Stay away from bars and the Internet and take it to the dirt road.

Most urban areas have concrete trails that work wonders too. You get plenty of practice smiling and nodding to passers by. In fact you should practice being cordial to everyone and not just a potential dating prospect.

Be sure to leave your iPod at home or cell phone to the off position. You don't want to be distracted if you happen to meet a certain someone who is looking to get out of a (dating) rut too!

Maybe you wont meet someone on the run but you may be setting up a good healthy ritual for you and your future partner to do on a Sunday afternoon.

Let's Go Bowling
Or golfing, or ice skating, or to a museum, or an aquarium. Break your mold and be a kid again.

More grown up than that? Take a local wine tour or take a train ride to a nearby city.

Look up the city you live in and act like a tourist. You may not meet anyone out on your mini-trip but you are well on your way to interesting conversation on your next date. You may want to take them along next time. Maybe scout out a restaurant for you and your next date to go to.

Be a Tourist
Getting back to trains, take a solo ride to go to a bookstore or favorite restaurant for lunch or some window shopping.

Would you believe you could meet someone who is from your area in another city close by who is also wondering around seeing the sites? See if you can't vistit somewhere you would consider living just in case sparks fly.

Be an extreme tourist and go cross country or overseas. Even if you don't meet the love of your life in your travels, you have great pictures to show them later.

Up the Ante
Walk up to someone who doesn't look hurried and tell them you want to buy them lunch or coffee. Yes, women too! You could actually be more on the sly and tip a barista extra to ask the gentleman or lady if they would like a warmer on their coffee and a pastry.

You may only get a thank you, but who knows you may drinking coffee or eating lunch with them on a regular basis!

Being a rebound rarely ever works!

What can you do to be practical and not get your heart trampled on?

Two things, wait until later or resist the rebound!

Resisting the Rebound
How do you know when you are a rebound?

First you need to subtly investigate a persons dating history. Flat out ask them! When was the last relationship you were in? How long did it last?

In conversation they will drop you hints about this person and refer to them by name. Yes, by name! Probably not over the healing process quite yet so you may want to proceed with caution.

Ask, Ask, Ask
When was the last time you volunteered personal information?

Ask them "Do you hope to be with them again in the future?" You can figure out the answer to that one on your own. Depending on what you are looking for, do you want to be temporary or permanent?

It's ok to ask them how much contact they have with their ex. Especially if they were a big impact on their life. You can differentiate how influential an ex was to someone and when the two of them were idly passing time. Find out!

The questions to ask are "How did you get into such and such a hobby?" It's ok if the former flame introduced them to the idea but if the topic revolves around how great the ex is doing whatever it is they are doing, again, they are on the rebound.

Timing
If you overlook this part you will enter a world of hurt for yourself.

Did they break up with an ex to start dating you? Were the two of you together before they were broken up?

Ironically time is not what most people think. Some people can drop an ex in a matter of weeks, it's whats called "checking out." They are present in body but not in spirit.

For others years will not put a dent in the way they feel about someone. Two years can go by. Obviously the chances of making a relationship work are better for you but they are not a tell tale sign if they are over their ex or not.

It's ok if they complain about a past lover as long as they don't go into too much detail. It's a delicate balance between your being self assured and there intent in revealing the issue.

Engagement
Not an engagement for marriage but being engaged in life.

Do you belong in their life? Do they make an effort to include you in their daily routine? Out with friends? Important functions?

Are they AWOL day and by weeks end are emotionally sponging off you? You are their security pillow when no other is around. They want to go through the motions of the last relationship they had but that person is not in the picture anymore.

Out of the blue do you get a phone call that they will be around the ex for a bit because the two of them are helping each other out with a problem?

That is what you are supposed to be there for. If they seek it elsewhere, especially with an ex, think about where your heart is and mabye back off from what you were expecting or from what you really wanted.

Moving On
The best way to create space or break up with anyone that you really like and hold no contempt for is tell them:

"The timing is not right for us/me/you right now. Maybe we should try this at a later date and see what happens. Call me in the future and see if I am available."

Let them call you. They will know when they are over with the previous relationship. Don't fall for the trap of being the fall guy or girl. That is the crutch until the heart heals.

Start all over again in the dating process and take it slow. Investigate if you think it will be worth it to move on with this person and take it to the next level.

Here's what it might look like. (click pic.)

When Is A Workplace Relationship Truly Worth All The Risks?
by Rachel G. Baldino, MSW, LCSW
(Reprinted with Permission from the SixWise.com Security & Wellness e-Newsletter)

A generation or two ago, dating in the workplace was quite frowned upon by many people. And in the wake of so many sexual harassment lawsuits, some companies actually have put specific policies in place when it comes to dating at work-policies which, generally speaking, may be advisable to follow by anyone who wants to keep his or her job.

But these days, given how much time many individuals spend at the office, more and more people have become more accepting of the fact that co-workers sometimes date, fall in love, and in some cases, even end up getting married.

To give you a sense of just how accepting many people now are about the idea of people dating in the workplace, the editors at the relationship website Lovingyou.com conducted a survey in which they found that an overwhelming 75% of respondents contend that it is perfectly fine to date a co-worker (as long as the relationship does not interfere with either individual's job performance).

Now, the other 25% of their survey respondents sang a very different tune ... and not without reason.

In fact, among the one fourth of respondents who did not think that dating at the office was ever a good idea, their primary concern was the potentially disruptive nature of a workplace break-up.

After all, if two people who work very closely together make the decision to get romantically involved, not only are they taking all the standard personal risks that come with entering a new relationship (opening up one's heart, making oneself emotionally vulnerable, etc.), but they are also taking significant professional risks as well, in the sense that they could be placing their careers (as well as the careers of their colleagues/dating partners in potential jeopardy).

Dating "Above" or "Below" You

While dating someone at work can clearly be very risky, this particular LovingYou.com article on the subject contains many useful tips about how to have the best possible workplace dating experience.

Dating a co-worker can be risky, but some people do so, in spite of all the risks.

And notably, the article also mentions that nearly a third of the people who responded to the survey had either married their co-workers, or they were still dating those individuals at the time that they participated in the survey.

One area that can get quite tricky, according to this article and others, is dating someone who is not a colleague at your exact same level within the company, but rather dating someone who is either your boss or your employee. This situation actually can work out, but it can also present both dating partners with yet another set of personal and professional challenges.

For instance, if there is an active "rumor mill" at your office many people may start to gossip about the situation ... and perhaps not in a terribly flattering way.

Even if the two people involved make every possible effort to behave professionally at all times, and work very hard not to allow their romantic relationship to interfere with any of their work responsibilities, they may have to accept with the possibility that not everyone in the company will approve of their union.

Therefore, knowing the sometimes insidious nature of workplace gossip, it can often be in everyone's best interest not to discuss such a relationship with anyone at the office unless the relationship becomes very serious.

Another potential complication for a manager who dates one of his or her employees is that if things ultimately go sour, the employee may end up-justly or unjustly, depending upon the particular circumstances-accusing the manager of sexual harassment.

This particular possibility should put up a big red flag for most managers, because sexual harassments accusations and/or lawsuits can get extremely ugly and messy for everyone involved.

However, having said that, there are times when bosses and employees fall in love and both parties decide that they are willing to take all of the many risks that come with embarking on such a relationship.

Only you can decide for yourself if dating in the workplace is worth all the potential risks.

Beware the Workplace Perceptions

Of course, yet another potential problem with allowing your heart (rather than your mind) to be your guide in the workplace environment is that you may end up being perceived by employees and/or colleagues as foolish, flighty, impulsive, unprofessional, unreliable ... and perhaps even worse.

If you are seriously thinking about dating someone at work, please ask yourself this important question: Is this a person that I could really see myself getting serious with at some point down the road?

If your answer to that question is no, then you truly may want to reconsider.

After all, full-fledged office relationships are one thing. Office flings are a whole other story.

Consider this possible scenario: Two colleagues who have been friends for a while and who feel some mutual physical chemistry get a little tipsy at a party one evening and on a whim decide to go home together. Let's face it: having a one-night-stand with someone you have to face at work day in and day out can truly make things awkward and difficult for both of you for quite a long time.

Given all of the potential problems that can come with dating someone at work, is it ever a worthwhile thing to do?

Well, sometimes, believe it or not, the answer can be "Yes."

So when, exactly, is a workplace relationship worthwhile, despite all of the very real potential risks involved?

1. If you have tried but you simply can't get the person out of your mind, and you think you may be falling head over heels in love.

2. If the other person feels exactly the same way you feel.

3. If you both can continue to behave totally professionally in the office at all times ... no matter what is going on in the context of your romantic relationship at any given moment.

4. This one is a biggie, and it is alluded to in the informative LovingYou.com article that I cited above: As unromantic as this may sound, at the very beginning of the relationship, the two of you must discuss the fact that, despite both of your highest hopes, the relationship could conceivably come to an end. And you both need to agree that if it does end, you will not allow the dissolution of the relationship to affect your job performances in any way.

5. That said, please know that in reality the above suggestion can sometimes be much easier said than done. Given just how terrible a break-up can sometimes feel, one or both of you may ultimately not feel comfortable staying at your current workplace if the relationship does end. In other words, if things don't work out, you could end up feeling compelled to give up a job that you enjoy very much and/or need to hang onto from a purely financial perspective, a possibility that should serve as yet another reminder of just how high the stakes can be when it comes to dating relationships in the workplace.

Recommended Reading:

Are You Being Bullied At Work?

Why Networking Is Your Golden Key To A Better Life

You Really Can Die From A Broken Heart